When "Soon" becomes "Too soon"

I've been MIA with blogging lately. This has been due to the fact that I am one week away from leaving Manila/Philippines hence the endless preparations I had to tend to--packing (I sincerely hate this part), pre-MBA requirements/preparations including quite a number of books to read, health requirements to accomplish, Visa acquisition, and my favorite part, getting together with friends for farewell lunches/dinners and simple hang out sessions that I've come to truly value. I realize now how much I've taken their company for granted. And how much I will miss each one of them.

So, enough with my excuse for being MIA.

Here I am now, taking a short break from my crazy packing session. I have 1 1/2 bags (of 2) full and still there's so much that I want to bring. How do you let go of your favorite jacket, already a size too small but has nostalgic value? How can you leave that cute (heavy) mug that a dear friend gave you for Christmas? How do you part with the countless CDs your friend gave you as music compilations? Or even your oldest pajamas that your brother got you for your birthday? You hate parting with these simple things not because they have monetary value but perhaps because when you know that you'll be away for long, you want to hold on to things that will remind you of the people you are leaving behind. You want to hold on to those memories that will pretty soon be compressed in your brain, to make way for the new ones you will be making, albeit with new faces.

So yes, right now I feel that "soon" has become "too soon."

I remember my life a year ago. More specifically, my life during my MBA application preparation. I practically didn't have a life anymore beyond GMAT books, MBA school researches, essay-writing, interview preparations and school information sessions. My weekdays were spent hard at work at the office, including stealing even brief lunch minutes of reviewing my GMAT notes. After work, I ate a rushed dinner and hit the books until 12mn-1am. After the GMAT hurdle, I still didn't get my usual 6-7 hours of sleep since I would set my alarm at ungodly dawn hours to check my email for updates from the schools, whether for interview invitations or the dreaded rejection mail. Thanks to the 12-hour difference with US time, I never got a moment of peace.

I remember that period of anxiety and agony. Most of all, I clearly remember the feeling of wanting so much so so badly. I wanted my dream of pursuing my MBA and 'soon' just couldn't get to me fast enough.

And like what people say, "be careful what you wish for." It's ironic that right now, I want more time here at home. I want more time with my family and friends, doing the most mundane of things--lazy Sundays watching TV, fighting over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, playing guitar hero marathons, catching the latest movie and hanging out in the coffee shop after. Things you never thought you'll miss terribly.

I realize that yes, you can want something so badly and you can pour over all your blood, sweat and tears to get it. And you just might, like I did. You took all the steps--the first baby steps, the trot, the run, the leaps and bounds. But when it's time to take that last jump, that final leap to seal the deal, courage no longer seems enough.